I’ve been away lately, distracted mostly. I’m a little lost and a lot tired. I had such high expectations for this blog when I started and I truly believed that the projects I had planned would hold my interest indefinitely. I would always have something fun to write about and the projects centered around hobbies that I enjoyed (like BEER). Except shortly after the last post in August, I learned that my life was about to change. Turns out, I have a little pretzel in the oven. So no more beer.
The first trimester was horrible for me. In fact, it was awful. I felt tired all the time, my stomach was a mess, I couldn’t eat without feeling sick, and the headaches were constant. To me, the first trimester just felt like one giant perpetual hangover. The good news is I just turned the corner into the second trimester and things are getting better. I am no longer nauseous which is a huge relief. I no longer fall asleep at 6:30 pm on the couch. I can eat more than a piece of toast.
I’m 18 weeks along now and I’m just starting to bump out a bit. I felt a flutter last week and thought it was a muscle spasm but it has happened a few times. Even if it is a muscle spasm, I want to believe it’s the baby. We find out the gender of our little pal in a few days. I have a strong feeling that the baby is a boy. I have felt this for weeks. I promised myself that I would not be disappointed if I’m wrong. A girl would be just fine (scary but fine).
I honestly never really pictured my life with children. My husband and I have been married for almost 1o years and I’ve always told people that my biological clock must be “digital” because I don’t hear “ticking”. When we told my parents that we were having a baby, I think my mom was more shocked and surprised than anyone. She was convinced that babies would never be in my cards. Up until this past year, I really didn’t think a family was in the cards either. I’m glad I was wrong about that.
This is my first baby and my husband and I are pretty darn excited and nervous, scared, horrified, etc. etc. My body is changing from the inside out and I’m trying to remember these days and enjoy what I can of the process. It’s so strange and unusual to feel my body change into a mother’s body. My boobs and stomach are growing at an alarming rate now (my husband is thankful for the boobs). My abdomen feels hard in places and swollen in others. It feels like my organs are shifting around, making room for the baby. I can no longer suck in my gut. My pants need elastic. I sleep hard. I want a chocolate milkshake.
I’ve spent quite a lot of time thinking about what kind of parent I will be. This may very well be why my bio-clock has been so silent over the years. I take this very, very seriously. Anyone can be a parent, but not everyone does it well. It really isn’t having a baby that I’m scared of, it’s me. I’m the one that I fear in this whole process. I don’t feel very nurturing sometimes so I’m afraid I won’t be able to pick up this huge responsibility with the tenderness (and toughness) of a mother. I never pictured myself as a mother so I’m struggling with the the thought of being the mother that I want to be and the mother that I’m afraid I’ll actually be. Does that make sense? I’m worried that I’ll suck. Then again, I care about this so very much. Maybe I should worry if I didn’t care.
In any case, the baby is due to arrive late May / early June. I’m becoming more and more excited about 2016 and all the challenges ahead. I’ll keep you posted on the changes in store for this blog, too now that I won’t be posting about beer.