it’s a girl

A few weeks ago I had my first ultrasound.  I was about 19 weeks along then and completely convinced that this baby was a boy.  Something about a boy just sounded right and felt right.  And just like that, the technician performing the ultrasound at my doctor’s office told me I was wrong.   At least she was polite about how wrong I had guessed.

Ever since I found out this baby is a girl, my whole perspective changed.  It’s a “her”, a “she”, a “little lady”, a “maedchen”!  Maybe part of me wished for a boy because I knew deep down inside that it was a girl?  I don’t know, but I feared a girl.  I didn’t think I would have to worry too much about a boy and a boy sounded easy.  But a girl – a girl is so much more.

I remember what it was like growing up as a puffy-haired, dorky, glasses-wearing, kid with no fashion sense and a fat cheeked face.  I can’t imagine being a girl and growing up now with all the extra pressure society places on girls and young ladies to act a certain way – a way that is not all that inspiring.  Girls are mean to each other and I guess cyber-bullying is a thing now.  And then there’s puberty and boys and going out with friends and trouble and peer pressure and drugs and drinking and partying and pregnancy and people out to take advantage of her and the list of silly, uncontrollable fears goes on and on.

I just want so badly to protect her.

I want to be a good role model for her.  I want to show her how to be strong and independent and tough.  I want for her to have every opportunity to do what she wants with her life even if that means breaking traditional rules and glass ceilings.  I want to push her to succeed and grow and learn and travel and see the world (safely).  I want her to have a free spirit with good eyes and a childhood without glasses.  I want to take her camping and teach her about nature and flowers and trees.  I want her to love to read and write and use her imagination.  I hope that she is passionate about learning and school and pushing herself to learn more.  I want for her to dive into art up to her elbows and create beautiful things that make her happy.  I want her to be happy most of all.

I really just want to be a good mom for her.  I want to be someone she can talk to and trust and feel connected with always.  I want her to know that I’m forever on her side and I’ve got her back.

I have about 4 months to go before I can meet her for the first time.  I’m nervous and excited.  It will be an amazing day to finally see her.  Until then, I’ll just keep thinking about how much I really, truly wanted a girl all along.

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